In need of some serenity.

God grant me the courage to change the things I can,

The serenity to accept the things I can't,

And the wisdom to know the difference.

I'm not really sure where that comes from, but if I could only follow those words of advice, I'd probably be sitting a lot prettier than I am right now. Particularly the last two. I'm usually pretty good at changing things I can, at least sometimes I guess. Ok, so maybe I need to improve that, too, but what fun would life be if I didn't have anything to improve upon?

I'm the type of person who loves to be able to fix things. I guess that might be why I'm thinking about being a surgeon. Kinda fits my personality. That's me. There's a problem, I make a plan, I fix it. Bam. That easy. That's how it SHOULD be, anyway. But things really don't work out like that in the real world (except for in surgery, which is why that would be such a rewarding profession). The real world is messy. Things happen, mistakes are made (sometimes very big ones). We can't always fix our problems with a simple one, two, three plan. A big ingredient is just time. And I think that is the most frustrating thing for me. I can, on occasion, be a very impatient person. I just don't like waiting for things. I feel like there should be an obvious solution to everything that presents itself as a problem. Serenity. God PLEASE grant me some serenity. I need it worse than Ol' Yeller needed a rabies vaccination.

Kind of along the same lines is the courage thing. I struggle a lot with knowing the difference between things that I can change and things that I can't. Sometimes it's a fine line, and it's just really hard to tell. I think I've been in both situations before. On one hand, I have been in a situation (recently) where I was pretty damn sure I could fix things, if only given a chance. Later I found out I was pretty wrong, but at the time (and for a while) I was absolutely POSITIVE that I could make things right. On the other side of the coin are situations where I think I can't do anything to help and come to find out later that, oh yeah, I could have and probably should have done something. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE?? Courage. God grant me the courage to know the difference.

That's life. We live. We learn. We make it better for the next people that life throws us into contact with. I am the person I am today because of all the people I have met before, all the situations I have encountered, and the ways I have dealt with them. The saying is "for better or for worse," but I believe that I am a better person than I was yesterday and the day, month, and year before. I am a better person.

Random thoughts

fear.

the very mention of the word makes me a little uncomfortable. what is it about fear that makes most of us instantly wish it to disappear? like a spot on a 17th century cartographer's map. fear makes me apprehensive and doubtful about a lot of things, but mostly myself. i don't like fear. it kinda turns me into a bed-wetting, bawling-like-a-baby schoolchild again. ok, so maybe not quite that extreme all the time, but it paints a pretty good picture.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

a man once said that. a man who had to deal with all kinds of fear throughout his life. did you know FDR almost died from polio? yeah, you're a pretty smart cookie, so i know you knew that. but it just shows how, once things are put into perspective, some of them just don't conjure up that fear like they used to.

i'm not quite sure how the 32nd president of these united states learned to deal with fear. fear of all kinds. i'm scared of a lot of things. some of them pretty pointless, like whether or not the diet coke i ordered at dinner will end up all over my lap. others, like making it through vet school in one piece (among countless other things), seem pretty large and in charge, if you catch my drift. why am i afraid? it could be that i really fear failure. i don't like the idea of not being able to succeed, especially if it is something that i really tried hard at. even worse is failing at something that i didn't put 100% effort into. i know pretty well that that sucks. and it hurts. a lot. fear of failure. fear of failure without trying.

in my "enlightened" state, i think that rather than being uncomfortable and "fearing fear," as it were, maybe we should embrace it. the new star trek movie (though i don't like to make a habit of quoting trekkies) puts a pretty good spin on it. i don't know the exact lines, but the general idea is that fear is normal. where we differ as individuals is our reaction in the face of fear. fear is normal. fear is normal. say THAT to yourself 10 times. mind-blowing, huh? it's something that i tend not to think about most days, but it is so true. our reactions to fear shape us as individuals. rather than allowing it to cripple us, we should dig deeper inside ourselves, and find out what we are really made of. i'm made of some pretty good stuff, myself, and i am only recently finding that out.

"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."

that quote is somewhat of a mis-statement. rather, FDR should have said, "we can, and should, fear lots of things." our fear of those things is what allows us to deal confidently and effectively with them. so go. embrace your fears. confront them. and be a better person for it. i know i will be.

Mucho tiempo

So...it's been a very long time since I posted anything. Yes, I am still in vet school. At least so far. This semester is super tough, challenging me by far the most of any semester yet. Hopefully I can make it through. Only a few more weeks to go, then it's home free for the every-helpful Christmas break.

I've decided to make a little bit of a change in the way I blog here. Instead of being a purely professional/educational type of outlet, I am going to extend it a little more in the personal range. Yes, there will still be the veterinary type posts, but there will also be some other bits about my life sprinkled in as well. Hopefully this doesn't scare anybody off, not that I think anybody reads this anyway :)

This week I again shadowed with Dr. Nestor and Dr. Reimer. I got to follow a couple of cases from presentation into the OR. Pretty awesome. I even got to assist in some limited ways, placing a screw here, a suture there. Sweet stuff!

Today is Thanksgiving. Well, duh. Probably the most obvious thing I've said in a while. Didn't start off too well, though as early this morning my brother came back to my mom's house with a wee case of the "self-inflicted" type of illness, if you catch my drift. But it's Thanksgiving, so I instantly forgave him, right? Not quite. I was mad for a little while, at least. Went over to my aunt's for the big dinner of the day, and boy was it ever a doozy. I'm pretty sure I won't have to eat anything else for a week! As I write this, I am cozied up in a LA-Z-BOY watching some football while sipping some hot chocolate. Not a bad way to spend a holiday. :)

Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, hoping you are content,

Matt